Women are like…

Poop.
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Comets.
All are beautiful, but they are cold as ice.

Computers.
Everything is stored in long-term memory for easy retrieval later on.

Cats.
They are cuddly and playful, but watch out when their claws come out!

Parrots.
They love to repeat things.

A game of Scrabble.
Their vocabulary is endless and always in play.

Christmas Trees.
The more gifts they have, the merrier they become.

Giraffes.
They are beautiful to look at, but hard to keep.

Men are like…

Puppies.
They’re cute at first, but you soon tire of picking up their crap.

Remote controls.
Chances are you’ll find them lying by the TV.

Parking spaces at a popular mall.
The good ones are all taken.

Computers.
In order to get their attention, you must first turn them on.

Fine wine.
They take a long time to mature.

Oatmeal.
If they sit too long, they become lumpy.

Mascara.
They run at the first sign of tears.

Silverware.
They on appear only when there is food on the table.

Cats.
Only moving objects get their attention.

Dogs.
They take up too much space on the bed..

Fish.
They’re easy to catch with food.

Text Messages.
The shorter the message, the easier it is for them to understand

Bees.
They like to pollenate more than one flower.

Silent Treatment

It was a Saturday evening and Joseph and his wife, Ann, had just gotten into their third argument of the day and both were now giving each other the “silent treatment,” vowing not to be the first one to speak.

However, at bedtime, Joseph realized that he would need his wife, who always awoke at 4:30am to wake him at 5:00am to get ready for an early morning golf session with his buddies. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and thus lose the “battle”), Joseph wrote on a piece of paper,

“Ann, please wake me at 5:00am.”

The next morning, Joseph woke up at 9am, having missed his tee time with his friends. Furious, Joseph was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t awakened him when he noticed a piece of paperon his nightstand. The note read,

“Joseph, it’s 5:00am. Wake up.”

Top ten reasons to go to work naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

Canajun eh?

You know that you are from Canada if:

You have more Canadian Tire money than “real money” in your wallet
You’re not offended by the term “Homo Milk”.
You understand the sentence “Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my BOWL OF POUTINE” !
You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
You drink pop, not soda.
You have a Prime Minister who isn’t fluent in either of the official languages (English & French).
You know what it means to be ‘on the pogey’.
You know what a mickey, a 24 and a double-double mean AND when to use them.
You can drink legally while still a teen.
You stand in “line-ups” at the movie, not lines.
You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
You don’t know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it’s just a cheap place to travel with very good cigars (and no Americans!).
When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it, instead of telling them to stay out of it.
You’re not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and you don’t WANT to know if he has!
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
You know that Mounties “don’t always look like that.”
You dismiss all beers under 6% as “for children and the elderly.”
You know that the Friendly Giant isn’t a vegetable product line.
You participated in “Participaction.”
You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, “What’s good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me.”
You wonder why there isn’t a 5 dollar coin yet.
Like any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you possess a Canadian Passport.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing ‘u’s from labor, honor, color, etc.
You know the French equivalents of “free”, “prize”, and “no sugar added”, thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
You were mad at the CBC when “The Beachcombers” was taken off the air.
You know what a tuque is and you often wear one.
You have heard of … and have some cherished memento of Bob and Doug McKenzie.
You know Toronto is NOT a province.
You never miss “Coach’s Corner” during Hockey Night in Canada.
Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
Your car has a cord and plug sticking out of the grill connected to a block heater.
You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more kilometres on your snow blower than your car.
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
Canadian Tire Store on any Saturday is busier than most toy stores at Christmas.
You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major parish fund-raiser isn’t bingo, it’s sausage making.
You find -40C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a portable deep freeze.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.
You can play road hockey on skates.
You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Road Repair.
Your local municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You perk up when you hear the theme from “Hockey Night in Canada”.
You pronounce the last letter of the alphabet “zed” instead of “zee.”
You end some sentences with “eh,” … eh?

Only in Canada

Only in Canada……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Canada……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in Canada……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
(Actually not true any longer. Drugstores cannot sell cigarettes)
Only in Canada……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in Canada……do banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Canada……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in Canada……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Canada……do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight.
Only in Canada…..do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
Only in Canada……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Looking for the same things

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe’s Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, ‘Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.

‘The young guy says, ‘That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.’

The old guy says, ‘Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?’

The young guy says, ‘Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a see through halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?’

The old timer says…… ‘Doesn’t matter — let’s look for Yours.’

Ode to married life

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men….that night they would wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again…..

The engaged woman said: ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4″ stilettos and mask. He said, ‘You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.’

The mistress stated: ‘Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, a mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just had wild sex all night.’

The married one then said: ‘The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, and said, ‘Hey Batman, what’s for dinner ?’

Romantic sleigh ride for two

Getting the lead out

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.